Cathy's Heart on Training Up Children

No Amount of Books - Figuring Things Out

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy Horning) — Wed, 16 May 2012 02:18:00 +0000

A late night stroll, the perfect way to end a long day. At ten o'clock, my husband and I stepped out the front door. He turned the key in the lock, when suddenly our plans collided with reality. We were parents! Down the hall, in our cozy two-bedroom apartment, slept our newborn son. We looked at each other, as a new truth sunk in; we could no longer go anywhere we wanted, anytime we wanted. We now had a baby to factor into the equation. And, very soon, we realized that no book or parenting class or previous experience had prepared us for the many wonderful, exciting and often bemusing revelations that we simply had to figure out on our own as we walked the path of parenthood.

Recently, I received this email from a friend who is a new mom. "As we begin sleep training our little one I've come to the realization that I have a visceral level aversion to disciplining my child....I was wondering if you have any book recommendations on the topic. Not so much a "how-to" guide...more of a biblical posturing on discipline book that I can lean on when i feel weak." Ha! This is a great question. For which, I am sorry to admit, I had no great answer.

There were no books that gave me answers when I found myself sitting on the stairs in the middle of the night, crying and asking God, "Will this child ever sleep through the night?" He was two years old, while his 6 month old baby brother slept through the night from the time he was two weeks old. Like my friend, I knew part of the problem was my weakness in the area of discipline. But still, I wondered how two children could be so different. Why? Was it me? Was it my two year old? It was likely a combination of things, but it was something that I had to learn by going through it. I could find ideas, but no solutions, in the books I read.

I know there are many good books out there, as well as blogs and websites. These can help inform parents about everything from the normal developmental stages to how to groom them for success. However, there is no way even the best books can adequately cover all the ways a child impacts your marriage, your time, your energy, your emotions and so much more. And though you can plan and prepare, you can not predict how each person or couple will actually handle and adapt to these changes. There are some things you just have to go through, with a lot of trial and error, figuring it out, fine tuning and adjusting to the uniqueness of your own family, many times wringing your hands in prayer!

By the way, in case you're interested, here is the answer I sent to my friend. I wanted to share...that part of being a new mommy (or wife or anything) is just a whole lot of going though it. Trial and error, learning and growing. I also had to overcome a lot of fear. I was afraid of everything --- to discipline the wrong way... of letting them cry (too much)... I was a real case. God was so gracious to give me an amazing husband, to teach me through His Spirit and through His word to become the mom (and wife) He wanted me to be and to overcome my fears, baggage and immaturity.

Tonight I thought of a book that I devoured when my children were little. I still have it. It is marked up, water stained (from reading it during long hot baths in the evening) and dog-eared. It is called, A Lamp Unto My Feet by Elizabeth Elliot. She is an old-fashioned, no-nonsense, godly woman, who basically called the reader to be a strong woman in Christ (not wimpy). I just looked on-line and it is still available, even has a kindle version. I also loved the Moms Devotional Bible that always had the right encouragement at the right time.

Dear reader, if you have a book recommendation for my friend, please feel free to share it here. Plus, I'd love to hear the revelations you've had in your parenting journey. And, I want you to be encouraged that plenty of the lessons learned on the path of parenting aren't found in any book, but simply through the process of figuring it out and just, plain-old-fashioned, going though it!

SLOW TO BECOME ANGRY

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy Horning) — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 22:18:00 +0000

"What has surprised you the most about being a mother?"

That was the question our pastor asked the women in our congregation on Mother's Day several years ago. Moms, of all ages and stages of life, responded with whimsical, witty and warm-hearted answers. I sat there silent. Not because I didn't have anything to say. But, because I was ashamed of the first thing that popped into my head. I waited, hoping someone would share something unpleasant or difficult. And, while mother after mother gushed about her fond memories, I wondered "am I the only one surprised by how angry I can get at my precious little children?"

My biggest surprise about being a parent was that I had a temper! Growing up, I remember only one time when I got really angry. So, where had my temper come from? Although no one mentioned it that Sunday morning, I knew I wasn't alone. Afterwards, I compared notes with other moms who had the same or similar "surprises" come to mind. I also had school teacher friends who had confided their dismay about how calm and collected they were in a classroom but how impatient and angry they could get at home with their own kids.

I hated myself when I got angry with my children. I remember one afternoon while visiting a friend, I laid my infant on a blanket on the floor to change his diaper. At that moment, my two year old came running down the hall, careening around the corner and rammed a push toy, “popcorn popper," smack into the top of the baby’s head.

My baby boy began to wail. I hate to confess it, but the first thing I did was to grab my toddler by the arm. I screamed at him for running in the house and for hurting his baby brother. After venting my anger at my bewildered child, I scooped my baby boy up into my arms to console him, praying that no damage had been done to his still soft head.

Even though I knew all mothers lost their tempers from time to time, too often my own angry outbursts were unreasonable and unpredictable. I felt helpless as, again and again, I lost my temper at my little ones whose biggest crime was childishness. In my desperation to change, I cried out to God for help.

Looking back, I see many ways the Lord answered those prayers. The most important lesson I learned was to change my thinking. I used to tell my husband, “This is just how I am. I can not change!” However, I found verses in the Bible like James 1:19 which says, Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. After yet another explosion I would pray, “God, please teach me how to be quick to listen, and help me to be slow to speak and show me how to be slow to become angry.”

Gradually, as I cried out to God, meditated on James 1:19 and memorized other scriptures about “getting rid of anger,” I began to change. One of the most powerful passages I clung to was Colossians 3:5-9. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature...You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage...since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

At first, the words I had memorized came to mind AFTER I lost my temper. I would apologize to my precious children AGAIN. And I would seek the Lord’s forgiveness, asking Him to change me, to help me to take off the old, to put on the new and to renew my knowledge to be more like Him.

Thankfully, God heard my prayers. The more His word got into my heart, the more it changed my thinking and transformed my life. I began to overcome my angry outbursts and was victorious over my fits of rage. Instead of God’s word coming to mind after I lost my temper, it began to guard my actions before hand. Then, I had the opportunity to choose to do it my old sinful way or to follow God’s good, best and righteous way.

Of course, I never got it down perfectly! No parent does. But as I sincerely sought God’s transformation in my life, He was faithful to answer my prayers, to teach me His ways and to show me His plan. And, along the way, I learned other other things that triggered my temper, contributed to my anger and needed to be changed. (I guess those will have to be posts for another day) So, as I close, I offer my prayers for you on your parenting journey. I hope to hear from you and please feel free to share my blog if you know of someone it might bless or encourage as well.

Lord, Grant Me the Patience to Enjoy My Blessings!

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy Horning) — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 23:04:00 +0000

Many years ago, when my four children were very small, a little decoupage magnet decorated my refrigerator door. It read, Lord, Grant Me the Patience to Endure My Blessings. I found it one day on an shopping spree with a great-aunt. We chuckled at the sentiment it expressed. And she purchased it for me as a small gift and reminder of our time together.

I often overlooked the words on the magnet, as I used it to hold up the latest photo or the most recent preschooler drawing. But one day, the words on the magnet flashed across my mind's eye as I struggled to unfasten my baby boy's car seat and gathered my little flock for their morning swim lessons. I watched the other mothers with their children as I put the baby in the stroller, handed my other three their towels and walked to the pool. My heart sank as I realized the truth of the words on the little wooden magnet. And, I remember thinking, we really do ENDURE our blessings.

After swim lessons, I fed my hungry tribe lunch and put them down for naps. Then I went to the kitchen, grabbed a sharpie and crossed out the words endure from my magnet. Above the crossed out word, I carefully wrote the word ENJOY. And silently I prayed, "Lord, please help me and other mommies to enjoy, not simply endure, our blessings."

I don't know what ever happened to that magnet, but the prayer it inspired also became the title for one of my favorite messages that I share with MOPS (Mothers Of Preschoolers) mommies. In that talk, from my post-MOPS perspective, I share the lessons I learned about things I would have done differently to enjoy, and not simply endure, the blessings God entrusted to my care.

Vistaprint

My future posts will include the lessons from that talk and many more. But until then my prayer has always been and continues to be "Lord, grant us the patience to ENJOY our blessings!" And, if you would like a magnet to hang on your refrigerator door, please leave a comment and we will work out a way for me to send you one.

THE PERFECT PARENT! NOT!

noreply@blogger.com (Cathy Horning) — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 06:12:00 +0000

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Do you remember your answer to this question when you were a child? Maybe an astronaut? A doctor or nurse? A fireman? Or perhaps a teacher or a rock star or a super hero? Some children have a different answer every week. Not me. My only answer was, "I want to be a mommy!"

However, at twenty, I woke up from a laparoscopy (an exploratory surgery), devastated to learn that I might not be able to have children. During my follow-up appointment the doctor told me, "if you are able to have children, have them soon and have them close together." I was a new Christian and single with no prospects in sight. It was not until four years later, after another surgery and several drug therapies, that I met and married my prince charming. We took the doctors advice. And, six months later, we celebrated the news that we were expecting a baby.

Even during the painful years of wondering, will I ever be a mommy, I got ready. I was going to be the perfect parent. I cared for other people's children. I attended child development classes. And, my husband tells me, I read every book on parenting. Yet, nothing---no class, no book, no babysitting---prepared me for the reality of being a mom! And within days, if not hours, after my child was born all of my dreams, plans and preparation to be the perfect mommy quickly vanished in the light of reality.

I quickly learned that no class can address all the dynamics and different scenarios that factor into the equation of adding a new member to your family. No book can adequately describe a child's rhythm, their quirks or the way they will interact with you and you with them. No love or care for another person's child can compare with the love and responsibility you feel for the life of your own child. And, no amount of preparation can make you a perfect parent. There is NO SUCH THING!

The good news is we can be great parents! Because, the best news of all is that we are not alone. God created you, me and each one of our children. He knows all of us inside and out. He loves each one of us lavishly. And He is available and on call twenty-four hours a day / seven days a week. He is the perfect Father! And we have His words in the Bible to lead, guide and instruct us on our parenting journey.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" I wanted to be a mommy. God was gracious! He blessed us with four children, in five and a half years. We took the doctors advice.We had them soon and close together. Today, they are all grown up. They are beginning their own lives and starting their own families. In spite of all my preparation, I was not a perfect mom. But, God taught me many wonderful and valuable lessons along the path of parenthood. Lessons I now enjoy passing on to and sharing with other moms. Lessons and stories that I hope will encourage you too as you travel the path of parenting.